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where are you

out walking. what's up? everything okay with oli?

yeah oli's ok
i need to talk to you

[ that's always a promising start... ]

Where you at?

im just leaving the library. it'll be faster if i come to you though

i'm somewhere between the theatre and maybe the hospital.

sorry i'm figuring out where i am. i was wandering.

[ that's always safe in the down, right? ]

i think i can work with that

[ it's not instant, mostly because after nick checks in he's mostly portalling rapidly between streets. trial and error, until he steps out of one and sees caleb stepping around the corner.

here isn't the place to say anything though, on some random, dirty street in the down, so nick just holds his hand out as he walks over closer to caleb. ]

I'll take us to my place.

[None of this is right and it's all going to get worse, he realizes. Even as he chides himself for looking at the worst just because he's already gotten himself down a rabbit hole of thoughts and misery.

Yet he takes Nick's hand in an instant, nodding. ]

Okay. Wherever you want.

Okay.

[ he's aware that he's being really fucking weird, that caleb has to know that something is wrong by now, but it's the best that he can think to do. he won't tolerate just walking until they find somewhere, nick knows that he'll blurt something out before then. at least if they just portal back to the house in the down, they don't have to talk about this in public, surrounded by strangers.

but he has to talk about it with someone, he can't not.

his grip on caleb's hand is a little too tight, he's aware of that too, but nick just cracks a watery smile before he opens up a portal for them to step through, straight into one of the bedrooms. another day, another situation and it might seem suggestive. there's very little that's suggestive about the way nick picks at his thumb though, chews at the inside of his cheek, mouth caught in an unhappy downturn. ]

Something bad's happened.

[ His hand clings to Nick's and already his mind is running wild. About Oliver and that their attempts may have failed. About Nate. About the talk the two of them had the night before Nate and Thorn had left.

And then those words confirm how bad this is, how bad this could get. How bad its going to get. ]

Nick, please. Just say it. Whatever it is. Please.

I think-

[ he doesn't think, he knows, but actually saying it feels almost impossible, like nick is speaking it into existence just by saying the words out loud. but he knows what he felt -- and he knows what he's feeling now, or rather what he's not feeling. it's not like the coma; nate isn't quiet, he's gone. ]

He died. Nate...just now. I--felt it, Caleb. He died out there.

[ There's some part of him that's expecting that. A part of him that knows that Nick is going to say those exact words before they even come out.

It doesn't stop them from knocking the air from him, shaking his head as if he can change that.

Stepping in instantly to pull Nick to him, clinging to him, holding tight. Because there's more, there's a chance that Nate isn't the only one dead and somehow he's losing everyone that he loves, left with nothing in that moment and feeling weak and hollow for it.

Even knowing they'll come back, they have to come back, it just feels like there's just cold. ]

I'm sorry. I...

[ He closes his eyes, shaking his head again, trying to hold himself together because his ability to be there is his strength and it's what he has to offer. ]

He'll come back. He has to.

[ he's quick to turn into caleb's arms and cling back just as tight. it doesn't change anything, there's still a dull empty chasm in his chest where nate is supposed to be, he still feels a little like he can't breathe and a lot like he might never need to again, but he holds tight onto caleb like a lifeline all the same.

nothing's any better, but at least it isn't worse. ]

I can't do this again.

[ he will. he has to, there's no other option, but it all feels so hard right now. he's tired, exhausted, and it's not a comfort that caleb is in the same position, but there's something to be said for not being alone. ]

Yes you can. You will.

[ There's no hesitation in that as one hand cups the back of Nick's neck, the other tightly gripping the shirt at the small of his back.

Everything about him hurts, and his heart feels like it's slowly draining out. Nate is dead. Chris might be dead too. Just that thought makes his eyes sting and he closes them tight. ]

You don't get to give up on him. We don't give up on him. He promised he'd be back and he will be.

[ it's always easier to do it for someone else--and he suspects caleb is the same, honestly. it's much easier to hold some scrap together still, because caleb tells him that he must, than to try and pin himself together on his own. it's always easier to do it for someone else, and right now that's about all that is holding him together.

he nods, the gesture muffled against caleb's shoulder, and the heavy sigh he heaves out is muffled there too. ]

Do you think...the rest of them, I mean...

[ Caleb knows he has to hold it together, even if he feels so broken and fragile. He has to for the animals, and Nick, and for the theatre and because if he lets himself, he isn't sure he could pull himself back together.

So he clings to Nick, needing the contact to keep himself grounded before he just crumbles.

Even as he asks that and Caleb tightens his hold on him, even as he feels his knees try and buckle. ]

I... probably. I just...

[ His voice cracks, the sound of a sob rougher than he wanted. ]

[ ask anyone and they'll tell you nick is an optimist. he's always trying to find the brighter side of things, the one saying that everything will be alright even when things look like they'll never possibly work out.

he wants to do that now, holding onto caleb to stop both of them from collapsing. he wants to say that everything is going to be okay, but the words stick in his throat and nick can't get them out. instead, he just hugs caleb tighter. ]

I've got you. [ he has that, at least. it doesn't feel like everything is going to be okay anymore--actually it feels an awful lot like half of him is dead--but he's got that at least. he's here, and he's not going to let go of caleb any time soon. ] Okay? I'm here, I've got you.

I... I know they'll be back.

[ He says the words with a crack in his voice, pressing his face to Nick's shoulder as he holds him tight. It's like his lifeline to the world, a chance to hold himself to this world, to the theatre and his coven, his people.

Except he's scared. Scared they won't be back. That because of where they were, what they had been doing, what if this time they didn't come back? ]

They have to come back, right?

[ the thing is, nick has been asking the same question. will they be back? he doesn't know anymore, returning after death isn't quite so certain as he'd once believed, he doesn't even know if they'd be considered "in" duplicity out there on the ocean. there's just too many questions, and not enough answers. none of which are helpful right now.

nick still nods despite all of that though, swallowing hard. he sucks in a breath, shaky and unsure, and nods again, like the affirmation will somehow help him believe it. ]

I think....I think it'd take a lot more than death to keep Nate from coming back to us. [ that's true, something he can say with conviction, even if he knows that there are some forces that none of them are powerful enough to contend with. and he tries to hold onto that conviction, and sound just as sure as he continues. ] They're coming back.

[ This is so different than anything they've known in their time in the city. Dealing with things they've never coped with before, having to face a reality they're not sure what even the rules are in this place.

And that makes it so much harder, even with trying to convince one another that its going to be okay. Because they're not sure it will be but they can hope, and they can try.

And they can lie to themselves and hope they're wrong. ]

He wouldn't leave us if he had a choice.

[ Blast a way out of there, sure, but if he had a choice, it wouldn't be alone. He's been hurt too much losing people to leave them behind. ]

You okay if I stay tonight? Its okay if you have other plans.

[ He doesn't let go of him though. ]

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