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no it's not that

i didn't have a need, i just

i wanted her
and i didn't want to back down
and i wasn't afraid of her, in that moment
besides i cursed her, i knew she wouldn't kill me. she couldn't have

it wasn't need, it was just. pure hedonism, i guess
and if i'm honest that's what it is most of the time
i'm not like a great person, caleb. i don't want you to think i am

You cursed her and hoped it held, not ever having cast a spell on the likes of her before.
You didn't know 100% and you didn't care.

So I care about you too much and I'm not giving you what you need.
Fair enough. These are things I should know.
I feel like I should apologize for letting you down.

my god, that's not

i don't mean that at all

you've always given me what i need
always

Good then. I do hope you mean that.

I get it. You need to do what you need to do. With whomever you need.
Not like I'm in any position to say otherwise.
I wouldn't do that to you even if I was.
I spent years pushing away my friends trying to get them to value their lives. I won't do it to you.

Besides, I can see how it's easy not to worry about going too far here, testing those boundaries.
Not like anyone stays dead, or can't be healed. At least physically.

caleb i'm not trying to die

i value my own life, i'm terrified of dying again.

Then there's nothing to worry about.
I'm just worrying too much.

I'll work on controlling that. Old habits and all.

i was just trying to be honest with you

i do stupid shit in the heat of the moment because in the moment it feels good or seems like a good idea

that's what i'm trying to tell you

i'm that kind of idiot

it doesn't mean you're not enough or that i don't care about being alive or
any of that

You do know I'm aware of that, right?
The kind of an idiot part?

You sleep with dominants. You celebrated with me the chameleon potion. We've done the dumbest shit and I know it's not just with me.

But things like sleeping with a killer who celebrated what she did and laughed about it?
Yeah, that scares me for you, Nate.

But none of it changes how much I love you or how much I trust you.

i love you too

and i trust you

i want to promise you i'll never do anything that dangerous or reckless again, but i know i'd break it and i don't want that

i just don't ever again want to find out someone doesn't want me because they think i'm too reckless
i want you to know who i am
the bad parts too.

Notice I'm not asking you to say anything like that either.
I know better than that.

I just hope in situations like that you think about the chances.
I don't mean any time with pain but killers.
Because I never want you to go through that again.

Just because I love you the way I do, or trust you as much as I do?
Doesn't mean I don't know you.
It means they don't change how I feel about you.
And it shouldn't.
Unless you are intentionally trying to harm me, use me, or manipulate me, it shouldn't change how I love you.
And it doesn't.
If I volunteer to go into that danger with you, that isn't on you.
Nate, just because I trust you wouldn't intentionally hurt me doesn't mean I don't see you for who you are.

I'm not him and I'm not going to be like him.

i know
i know that.

i'm sorry

please don't ever think you aren't enough, in any sense. you are. you always have been
none of this was a reflection on you

Don't be sorry? Please?
You've been hurt and it's left you uncertain.

I just want you to know that I've been through a lot to be with you.
I'm not giving that up easily.

This is the man I am, Nate. Maybe I love too deeply but I don't care.
As long as you don't mind.

We're both dealing with things, and this place is always an adjustment.
But I do know it's us together. Okay?

okay

i wasn't doubting that you love me it's just. i wanted to make sure you weren't just glossing over the bad
because if you were then shit could hit the fan some day and i so, so badly don't want to lose you

i want it to be us together
i need you.

I've dealt with horrible things here. I've faced what it can be.

I've always been a loyal man, Nate, and whatever might happen, we will work it out.
I promise you that.
It's who I am.

In the time we've been together, that is the first time you've done something that truly worries me.
If there had been anything else, I'm not great about holding my tongue. Just better about using force when I get upset.

i always want you to tell me

i'll be honest with you. always

i'm sorry for worrying you

And we will always work things out.

I know it's not easy to trust me on this, but I'll prove it to you.
Whatever this place throws at us, whatever we do.

Just remember that and reread this if you need to.

Even if you make mistakes. We'll work through it.

okay

i can do that.

And remember that it goes both ways.

If there's ever anything I've done that bothers or upsets you, please tell me.

in my experience that's not how it goes

but i'll remember

Yeah well, I'm not anyone else you've known.

I don't want you ever coming to resent me, Nate.
We can't work it out if we don't talk about it.

you're right, you're not.

i promise i'll talk about it, on both sides.

Good.
I love you, Nate. You opened my world and I'm thankful for that.

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