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[ Alaric is surprised sometimes by how suffocating he finds being a submissive in Duplicity. He would have expected, based on what he's already told Caleb about his life and what he's going to, not to be bothered at all.

Turns out, he's accounted badly for both the way he served previously - and the fact that he had a certain amount of power, even if he was not well liked or trusted. This is getting old. Sometimes even people caring about and trying to protect him is too much just in how it is presented.

And that's with loving people he sincerely, deeply, cares about.

He smiles, tightly, at Caleb as though aware of the direction of caleb's thoughts (he is but only because he can guess), and picks up his fork. ]

At home it was... not about this sort of service or status. I was too young to remember when I was committed to act in magical service to the future king. When he became king and my father died, I moved into the castle, as a page. Then a knight. Ultimately as a Duke in full and general, but also as the key to unlock his own brand of magic and to protect him. I loved and love him. But there was never an option of not being deeply bound to him.

[Caleb knows that so much of this is culture shock. He's lived a life where he was privileged and the golden boy and he had been the leader and now he's a submissive, marked, and has already been told by that he was nothing but property. He's fighting it all tooth and nail, because he hasn't known any other answer but to try.

He's curious though about how others are handling it. Especially those he cares about, who are important to him, and for now he's just happy to see most of them doing so well. Their contracts are working for them and they seem to be doing well and that is what matters the most to him. He can cope with how bad things are on his side as long as they're okay.]

How young were you? You never had a say in that?

[Yet even as he asks, he thinks about how the moment Pogue had been born, Caleb had been told how he had to take care of him. Then the others. He had been told from the moment he was born they were born that it was his job to care for them, to keep them safe, to make sure they didn't die young. Was it any different? His money and status made him feel he was in a different place, but had he really been?]

I'm sorry, Alaric. You should have had more choice in your life than that. Your life here? Do you at least have as much say in things as this place lets you have?

[It's not as if he could change it but he would do whatever he could to fight for him if he could.]

[ He smiles slightly, tucks his hair behind his ears and then picks up his fork. ]

Three, I think, and don't be sorry; It isn't something that I actually have a problem with. I like, even love, Brion. He's been like family to me, and as for things here - I think I have more choice than most here, submissive or not.

[ He starts eating with a slightly pointed look, hoping that Caleb will do the same because he worries. ]

With Kelson gone it's... better. There is worrying about friends and concern about your sexually repressed, very Catholic, king.

[Caleb stares at him for the longest time because there's so much echoed there. He remembers being responsible for the others since he was old enough to remember. Three? Four? He has no idea but it was all his life.

He takes the hint though and starts eating. It's not that he doesn't have money for food, but that he tends to forget taking time to eat.

He chuckles softly at that last part though.]

Yeah, okay. That is different than you thinking I'm someone to worry about. And don't pretend you don't.

[He gestures at him with his fork between bites.]

I try to imagine the ones I had to be responsible for being in this place. They would be a mess. No, they would make a mess. Of everything.

[Yet he sounds so happy about it, so proud of them even as he misses them.]

[ He flashes a quick smile at the remark from Caleb about those he was responsible for -- or at least the tone it is said in. ]

I don't imagine I should much like to see someone here who would not make something of a mess in some ways. Making a mess of things I can almost approve of, done creatively or cleverly. Making a mess of themselves--

You're right, that is different.

[ Caleb was the former, mostly, Kelson the later. ]

[Caleb had lost sight of himself and what he wanted for a time. He'd let himself forget what he needed and instead tried to be who someone else wanted, and he's glad to be back to working on himself again.

And part of that is this. Time spent with those that matter to him, those that make him smile, and who he can just be himself with.]

What we're doing most of the time, right? Making a mess of their program. I couldn't imagine doing this any other way. Which is funny because I was never that guy before.

I should have been though. I would go back and redo so much about how we handle our powers and the covenant given the chance.

[In ways it feels no different. Being controlled and hiding parts of yourself. Especially if your nature doesn't match your designation.]

I don't understand, but I want to. Tell me how you did things - the program - and handled your powers, and what you would do differently.

[ He is so comfortable with Caleb that it feels strange to realize that he knows almost nothing. It feels less strange to realize how much he wants to. ]

[Caleb knows he is whining in a way because it can't be changed, even if he finds his way back to Ipswich.]

We were raised from when we were young being told we would have these powers but couldn't use them, how they would kill us. I wanted them but at the same time, I hated them. We lost a lot because of them, but I just played along and didn't try and find other ways around it.

[There's a lot more to it, details about what they hadn't done and what they should have done.]

Because of it I never looked deep into our history. Because of it another of us ended up with no help, and addicted. We could have changed a lot if we hadn't just accepted things as they were.

Why I'm glad so many here don't. We fight against the system, look into it all and we're here for one another.

[ He smiles in a slight way that's a bit sad and, truthfully, too old for his face. ]

I am still... incredibly uncomfortable here, and my magic - and mine alone - was never hidden, but rather put on display. I never hated it, but was taught from very young what a profound and dangerous responsibility it was.

My King... he hated himself and his abilities. I think he was convinced that he was going to hell - quite literally - for it. He pushed against the church, but he never quite believed it. It seems his son has done more to actively change things.

I'm not quite sure I like it, though I should.

And maybe I'm a little too comfortable with the system here, too. That, though, is much more easily changed.

Why only yours? If you're okay talking about it.

[It's only been a few months and he's gotten so open about talking magic and his abilities, but he can imagine that no matter how long someone is in this place and it might not be easy to talk about it.

He wants to learn more though about his friends and to be there for them as much as he can.]

Why should you like it? If you don't, that's what matters.

[He pauses for a moment, knowing some might not like what he's going to admit.]

I don't want to stay here forever, but I hate the idea of the things I'll lose without this place. Being free and open about magic.

And the people. Like you.

I was magically bound to Brion as a young child, and the knowledge of how to unlock the Halden potential - his sort of magic - was given to me then. Why me is....

The simple answer is that my family was nobility and openly Deryni, already.

[ The more complicated answer involved speculation as to just why his eyes were a shade often called 'Haldane gray', but that was not something he was--

Not going into right now.

he stops for a moment and eats some of his food and takes a drink from his glass. ]

I should like it because if there is no change things continue to be terrible for Deryni. It needs to change. Changing and challenging it are right.

[ Then a smile. ] I'd miss you too, Caleb.

You and I? In ways we are the same in some of this. I mean generally.

[He had been bound by the Covenant, and he had been the one to have to ensure the others were raised well and they're well taken care of. It had been his job and he can't only now wonder that if he's actually in this place, what had become of them without him.

Maybe it was for the best for them and Caleb to be apart for a while.]

But you're not happy about it? Were they not handling it right?

[It's the one reason he could think of that he might not stand by it.]

It...

[ He pauses, hands curled around his glass and considers, trying to work out feelings and find words. ]

I don't know how he is handling it, in truth. He was from my future. I think I don't like it because it is dangerous to him.

And ultimately I am willing to sacrifice more to protect him and the throne than to sacrifice them to anything else. I don't like that about myself, but that doesn't negate the truth of it.

[Again those ways that they're similar, even if for Alaric it is on a much grander scale. For Caleb it's protecting the lives of three friends. For his friend before him, it is about the throne and a kingdom as well.

Reaching across he curls his hand against his friend's where it rests on his glass.]

A lot of people believe we go back to our own worlds when we leave here. We go back to the same moment we left so you'll be able to help him.

Yes, and I will have years to do so. He was six the last time I saw him.
[ Will he be able to also help Brion? Kelson's father? Apparently not, but that is something he'll have to live with. To channel into helping the son. Until then:] Do you need somewhere to sleep tonight?

Oh. Oh wow, that had to be rough then. I hope you get the chance.

[Though Caleb knows that likely isn't offering much in the way of helping.

He smiles at that though. He could crash at the theatre but that isn't the point that matters to him right now.]

I wouldn't mind spending more time with you.

[ He is as easy as can be about this and returns Caleb's smile with one of his own, a little brighter and more relieved than necessarily makes sense. ]

Then let's finish up here and come home with me for tonight. I like your company, too.

[ Making friends is really not easy for him. He cherishes when he manages - and the people who put up with his too often, too formal and too aloof self. ]

I'm glad to hear that. It would kind of suck to care about you like I do and find out that it's all one sided.

[He smiles though as he says it, a soft and thoughtful thing as he works on finishing.]

And thank you for your patience with me. I really needed to get my head on straight in this place. I'm glad I didn't lose everyone doing that.

[ From most people that sort of statement might be a little alarming, but from Caleb it's just matter of fact and sweet and he finds he is absolutely fine with it. ]

I am unbelievably hard to lose. I never let go of who is mine - ever.

[That only gets a brighter smile from Caleb, giving a nod in acknowledgment of that. He likes how it sounds, as much as he likes having the same sort of feelings for others.

He's spent his entire life with the same family, friends, lovers. Pretty much all in one from how they were raised together. He finds himself doing the same here with those he feels a connection to.]

Good then. Guess we're stuck with one another. I'm glad for that.

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